Lythium Ice
by PurpleSunsetUVL
Summary: Lily just wants to get rid of James. All he does is annoy her with his enormous head, his silly pranks, and his stupid pick up lines. Why is it that out of all the girls in hogwarts, he likes her... the most boring girl of them all?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Please don't sue me!

Have You Ever Had Dolphins Poured On You?

Chapter One

Dear Diary,

There are many things I don't understand. Many things I ponder and ponder until I am blue in the face and I still cannot possibly get my head around.

One of these things is James Potter. I'm sorry, but he just needs help. I've sent many an owl to St. Mungo's asking them to please take him away, but no go. They seem to think I'm joking or something.

Which I am not.

Another thing that confuses me very much is my lovely sister, Petunia. What is the matter with her? Every time an owl flies by her window she has to intercept it. I don't know how. Of course, all she would have to do is look at an owl and it would go toppling out of the sky…

She always intercepts my owls because she delights in torturing me. Constantly.

Why won't she mind her own business?

* * *

"Lily!"

Petunia Evans crashed through her younger sister's bedroom door and brandished an envelope in front of her face. "Look, Bozo! A letter for you!"

"Really?" Her sister replied sarcastically. "It looks like a bit of cantaloupe to me…"

Petunia ignored this and said, "It may be from the government, Lily. They may want you to report to Area 51 immediately."

"I'm sure it isn't…"

"Or maybe the zoo has written. They may need someone to attract more tourists."

"How could-"

"I know who it is! It's the circus!" Petunia cried. And she shoved a red clown nose on her sister's conk.

"Petunia, will you just shut up and give me my bloody letter?" Lily asked angrily.

Too late. Petunia had already opened the envelope. She was scanning the parchment with a look of disbelief on her face.

"What is this rubbish?" she asked.

Lily snatched the letter from her and read it.

* * *

'Dear Evans,

I'm sorry chicklet, but it has to stop. Your mad desire for me is made very clear and is demonstrated shamelessly. You're such an intelligent girl, and it breaks my heart (well, not really) to see you so madly and obsessively driven by my charm.

Believe me, five years of unrequited fantasies, and shameless come-ons, is proof enough that you, like the rest of the female population (But I don't mean to brag…Well, yes, I do) are madly in love with me.

So yes, Evans, despite your lack of cool, I will grace you with the privilege of dating yours truly.

Love,

James Potter

P.S. You look quite fetching in your reading glasses, baby.

* * *

Lily sighed and tossed the letter in the dust bin. "Don't worry about it, Petunia, that was a fool writing to me."

Petunia said, "He sounded like quite a freak…When is your date with him?"

Lily had to throw her shoe at her to get her to leave.

* * *

A few days later an owl flew through the kitchen window and dropped in the school booklist from Hogwarts. (But not before it landed a bomb of poo in Petunia's blonde hair. Which caused her to run around and scream like a lunatic.)

A week before term started, Mr. and Mrs. Evans let Lily take the bus to The Leaky Cauldron to get to Diagon Alley. She met her friend Alice Helms there and together they went to get their things.

Despite the fact that Lily had gotten down on her knees the night before and prayed that she wouldn't see James Potter, he found her anyway.

Lily and Alice were getting fitted for new school robes when Potter burst through the door and swaggered over to them. He put his arm around Lily's shoulder and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Clear off, Potter," Lily growled.

Madam Malkin, who was fitting Lily, actually giggled. (This was disgusting! Malkin was at least ten years older than Potter!) "Don't worry Jamesy, you can stay. You're always welcome and you never get in my way," She said as she reached under his leg to pink Lily's hem.

James winked at her and spoke to Lily. "So Evans, now that we're dating, we should-"

"Potter, let me make this clear to you. We are not dating. We never will date. And if you don't get your hand off my arm this instant, I'm going to have to kill you."

Alice poked her round face around Lily's shoulder. "James, will you tell Sirius that I-"

Lily interrupted her. She shrugged Potter's arm off her shoulder as Potter messed up his hair. (Very annoying) "Potter, please go away. You've been here for two minutes and already I feel like hanging myself."

"But of course, you would only hang yourself when I tell you I'm going to Flourish and Blotts in a moment. Leaving you Jamesless for at least ten minutes." James answered. He reached for Lily's head, most likely to try and stroke her hair, but Lily had had enough. She thought, "Ha! Here he comes! Little does he know, I've been trained in self defense!"

As Potter reached for Lily's dark red head, she seized his arm and twisted it around his back. Potter screamed and his face turned green with pain. "Uncle!" he squeaked. "Uncle!"

Lily let go, and James leaped back. He looked at Lily with fear and respect in his hazel eyes…for about three seconds. "Ooooooh, Evans. I didn't know you were so eager to touch me."

Lily shrieked with rage and leaped out of her stool. James seemed to sense danger. (Probably because Alice screamed "Run, James! She's dangerous!") He ran out of Madam Malkin's shop as fast as his legs could carry him.

Lily chased after him, spitting like a wildcat. Not realizing that Madam Malkin was still pinned to her robes. So, unfortunately, as Lily ran out of the shop, Malkin went with her.


	2. Chapter 2

Have You Ever Had Dolphins Poured on You?

Chapter Two

Saturday, August 20th

Dear Diary,

I am banned from Madam Malkin's robe shop for the rest of my life…All thanks to Potter.

Just because I might have hurt Jamesy Pot-head…What a git.

And what about Madam Malkin? She only broke a few bones! She was only in St. Mungo's for a few days! Geez! Talk about over-reacting!

My olds are furious! It was all, "Lily, we expected more out of you" and "We thought you could control your temper."

Hmf! Whatever! I have to prepare anyways. Term starts in a few weeks and I still haven't taken the funny nose and glasses off of Petunia's poster of Martha Stewart.

* * *

Alice came over the morning of September first. She helped Lily pack up the rest of her things and managed to get Lily's Selkirk rex cat, Kia, out of her wardrobe with a bit of mackerel. 

As Lily dragged her parents out the door at 10:00, Petunia bade Alice and Lily goodbye in her usual fashion. She threw a straitjacket and a small brown package at them and said, "A few parting gifts for the fellowship. Have a horrible term."

Lily grumpily slammed the door in her face and she and Alice got in the car.

Lily's parents were still angry at her for landing Madam Malkin in the hospital, so they chose to give her the silent treatment in the car for at least half an hour.

Alice distracted her friend from this by pulling out that morning's issue of The Daily Prophet.

"That evil wizard is causing more trouble…" Alice told her, showing her a headline entitled, You-Know-Who Has Connections With Ministry Of Magic.

Lily furrowed her brow. "What's You-Know-Who's name again?"

Alice shrugged. "Beats me…they never say his name."

"He's awful," Lily mumbled, scanning the article. "He's been around for ages and he's just getting stronger. What are we supposed to do once we get out of Hogwarts? There won't be any protection. I'm muggle-born…fresh meat for those thugs…"

"We could always join the order. That Phoenix thingy…"

"That would be awfully dangerous…"

Alice leaned closer to Lily and whispered, "Yes, but Frank Longbottom told me he's thinking about joining once he graduates."

Lily grabbed the collar of Alice's shirt. "Where do I sign up?" she asked. Lily thought about Longbottom the rest of the way. She hoped she would see him, instead of Potter bothering her.

It was no use hoping though. As she was getting out of her parent's Ford, Potter appeared out of nowhere, winking at her and licking his lips as he passed with his own poor parents.

"That pervert is everywhere!" Lily exploded furiously. "I have nightmares about it in my sleep! I'm going through dark rooms and there's Potters popping out everywhere I go, every second. Millions of Potters! He's enough to make me go mad!"

"Why don't you just humor the poor boy and let him take you somewhere?" Mrs. Evans asked. She seemed to have forgotten her vow not to speak to Lily, who didn't even bother responding.

Ten minutes later Lily and Alice were on the Hogwarts Express with their trunks shoved in the compartments. Kia lay purring on a train seat and Alice's horned owl, Gideon, fluttered about behind them.

Lily leaned out of the train to say goodbye to her parents. Mrs. Evans was tearful, as usual. "I mad you and Alice some hot cocoa for the trip!" she whimpered, handing Lily a large thermos.

Mr. Evans puffed on his cigar. "Listen, take care," he growled. "Your world is becoming a dangerous place. If you get hurt, that headmaster Dumbledee-"

"Dumbledore."

"Dumbledore will have me to answer to."

Lily sighed heavily.

"Write your sister every week," Mrs. Evans sniffled. "You know how much she misses you."

Alice and Lily looked at each other. "Right," Lily said slowly. The train whistle blew and the scarlet steam engine belched smoke as it took off.

Lily watched her parents disappear from sight with an ache in her stomach. A few minutes later she left Alice and spent an exhausting hour on Prefect Patrol with Remus Lupin. She chose not to mention the fiasco with Potter to him. She merely said, "I don't want to talk about it, so just shut up…"

Soon it was Remus' turn to patrol along and Lily returned to the back with Alice, who was sipping some of Mrs. Evan's cocoa.

"Look at what Petunia put in this package for you," she said, tossing Lily the brown package Petunia had left them.

Lily opened it up to find a bag of reefer inside. "This explains everything," Alice said, looking at it.

"She doesn't smoke this rubbish," Lily told her. "Just gave it to us to pick on me."

An hour later the lunch trolley came by. As Lily got some Cauldron Cakes for her and Alice, the woman who took the trolley around said, "Dear, a black haired boy told me to give this to you."

She handed Lily a note that said, "Hey babe. To you from me-James Potter." Below this was an obscene drawing of a male body part. The trolley lady left and Lily ripped up the notelet. "Honestly!" She yelled. "Why doesn't Potter just leave me alone?"

Alice merely sipped her cocoa.

"He could have any girl in the school! Why does he have to bother me?" Lily continued. "I mean, I have to be the most boring girl in the world."

Alice spoke up. "That's not true! Well…you do wear the same boring outfit every day, and you color coordinate them. Monday is green. Tuesday yellow…"

"Yes, well…"

"And your room looks like the inside of a refrigerator door. Its all white."

"Yes…"

"And all you do is go to the library."

"Ah, well…"

"And you talk to House Elves all the time."

"Yes, Alice, I know that…"

"You put your books in alphabetical order in your trunk."

"Yes, all right Alice."

"And you're a vegetarian."

"ALICE!"

"And when you get angry, that vein pops out of your"

"ALICE WILL YOU SHUT UP?"

"Look, there it is!" Alice pointed at Lily's forehead just as the compartment door swung open and Potter came in with his moron friends.

"Ladies, your lucky day has come. We have arrived," Black said smoothly.

"Hot cocoa!" Peter Pettigrew squeaked. He grabbed the thermos greedily and he and his friends took several big gulps without asking.

Two hours later the effect had still not worn off. Remus stared in disbelief at his three friends. Who all sat collapsed in the next compartment, their eyes red, with drool dripping out of their mouths.

"Alice, I cannot believe you dropped all of that marijuana Petunia gave us in the hot cocoa without telling me!" Lily shrieked.

"I'm sorry!" Alice wailed. "I didn't know where else to put it!"


End file.
